This is how it is...

21...going on 24

Thu, 24 May 2007 03:05:07 GMT

Judd and Maggie One Year Past 20 Lyrics
Something about the way you say shutup
Makes me know I'm gonna miss you
I'm gonna have to do without plenty of things
And these bleeding wings are almost off So would you let me apply myself to you
And let me sing as far out of tune as I want
Cuz I'm already 1 year past 20 with two broken hearts
And maybe one you could restart

I don't know how I get attached overnight
And I don't think I'll ever make you mine
And I don't know just how I might

So would you let me apply myself to you
And let me sing as far out of tune as I want
Cuz I'm already 1 year past 20 with two broken hearts
And maybe one you could restart

Oh now I'm swimming in the waves and I can't leave this
This stormy bay
In the better story I get out
So put that book down
I don't get out

Cuz I'm already 1 year past 20
Please don't break my heart
Please don't break my heart

Oh now I'm swimming in the waves and I can't leave this
This stormy bay
In the better story I get out
So put that book down
I don't get out

why now...

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 04:45:09 GMT

What is it about the empty conversation
You’ve been gone for awhile now
What makes you call me now
Are you not getting enough attention
I don’t play the games
And you didn’t hold to my expectations
I defended you over and over again
But I tell you now
I deserve better
I deserve more than you ended up to be
Because I defended you over and over again
But I tell you what
I told people they were wrong about you
I told people you were different
Little did I know
I had been gone for awhile
And you turned to be no different
Then what people were saying
So why do you call now…
After all this time
Why do you call me now
Because I deserve more
I deserve more than you turned out to be

spelling is overrated!!!!

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 23:34:46 GMT

Try to read this. I'm sure you can....very interesting.

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a
wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

its too late now

Wed, 10 May 2006 16:30:07 GMT

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
You find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind

Everone knows I'm in
Over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

i feel ... it feels

Mon, 08 May 2006 21:34:19 GMT

I remember every touch, every flower, every word you ever said
I remember how we looked at each other the very first time we met
I never forget
I remember every smile, every letter, every kiss you gave to me
How we'd talk and you'd hold me for hours until I'd fall fast asleep
You said you would always be there should I need your arms around me
But now that I've fallen to my knees I don't think you give a damn about me

And it feels like we're running out of time
And it feels like I'm the last thing on your mind
Oh, I can touch your skin, I can hear you breathe
Baby will you tell me what's wrong
'Cause it feels like... we're already gone

Did you leave in the middle of the night and forget to say goodbye?
Did you feel it was time to go but you didn't wanna see me cry
And it's harder and harder for me to believe that you still love me
So get on with it baby if you're gonna leave, it's not worth saving

And it feels like we're running out of time
And it feels like I'm the last thing on your mind
Oh, I can touch your skin, I can hear you breathe
Baby will you tell me what's wrong
'Cause it feels like... we're already gone

My heart is telling me its too late to beg you to stay
You wouldn't hear me anyway

And it feels like we're running out of time
And it feels like I'm the last thing on your mind
Oh, I can touch your skin, I can hear you breathe
Baby will you tell me what's wrong
'Cause it feels like... we're already gone

And it feels like we're running out of time
And it feels like I'm the last thing on your mind
Oh, I can touch your skin, I can hear you breathe
Baby will you tell me what's wrong
'Cause it feels like... we're already gone

Sun, 07 May 2006 03:28:22 GMT

So… I have needed nothing but a chance to breathe, some time to a break and myself… but now that I have it, what do I do with it…

It’s a little lonely in here

Like a puppy when you first bring them home and they are excited, but then it sinks in their family is gone and their life is about to change, perhaps for better… perhaps for worse

I am excited, I am scared, most of all I am like now what…

I know its time for me to go as much as I have been in denial of the matter but like I said now what

I think I forgot what it is like to breathe b/c now that I have the chance to I’m choking

Feeling a little lost in life right now

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 23:15:43 GMT

Is it fair to say i'm lonely and i miss you

I wonder what happen to that girl that got the most independent woman award 2 years ago...

i've forgotten what its like to be independent

i miss you

but most of all i miss me, myself, and i

lifes lessons...?

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 23:12:51 GMT

So I am honestly and truly tired of everyone right now. I don’t trust anyone and people will say one thing to me and say something completely different to someone else… do these people say things to keep me happy or to try and not piss off the other people.

Does anyone not talk smack behind peoples back seriously… don’t even talk to me b/c honestly I don’t want you to talk smack to me about anyone and then tell them to their face that you have no problem with them.

SWEET ASS…FUCK THAT

I want to move to a place of honesty a place of cultural differences a place that is open to that and a place that is not filled with close minded conservative republicans. Granted there are some open minded people here, there are people that are diverse and there are people that aren’t conservative or in a republican mind set… I’ve met some amazing republicans who prove me wrong of the stereotypes that follow them.

Mostly I want people that are loyal…

A father once told me I am going to meet people that are bull shit the rest of my life

I am going to be in bull shit situations once I get into the real world

And that I am going to meet people who are trash who are lazy people who have no standards or morals and mostly people who were never taught well in life

But he also has told me it is never my place to teach them my beliefs and values it is for them to surround themselves with friends that are honest, loyal and do not what is right in life but what is the right thing

All the advice he can give me is that he will mail me a shovel and I can start digging the shit out of the place I decide to call home.

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 01:16:07 GMT

Trying not to to take life so seriously...

In the end we all are fucked
In the end everyone becomes party of societies hypocracy in a world of lies of grey void

In the end everyone lies to you anyone...

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 02:22:41 GMT

Ok so I’m moving to Cali… I don’t know why but I am. I signed a four month contract in southern cali. So pretty much in the middle of no where… but its not far from LA and Sandy D. I'm going to be living in a three bedroom ranch house. And I’m going to be doing a lot of recreation out in the desert and kayaking, and rock climbing and some caving, camping and backpacking. I’m not sure what I have gotten myself into but it should be interesting and a good experience. I attached some links below of what the area looks like.

I am leaving around August 15th and will be heading back to this area for official graduation on Dec 15th ish.

http://www.pappyandharriets.com/images/DesertPics/index.html

http://community.webshots.com/album/48775194LUObVG

stressed

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 18:42:41 GMT

AHHHHHH>…
I think about to crack… everything and its mom due in the next two weeks… 10 school days and 14 days to get it done, w/teachers that are unclear forget their own lesson plans and change deadlines…and everything that could go wrong has been going wrong lately.. except for a few.

So if I find a cliff before I get all of this done I might just jump

But until I get the following done… please don’t bother me b/c I am beyond stressed and probably wont be around much:

History Project… w/a very unclear outline
Test in my Rec Admin class on Ch 7… that takes about 4 hours to just read the freaking chapter
15 referred journal articles outlined for tomorrow
Final research project/Abstract reviewed for Professional Issues
A visionary prez. On The man who created Central Park
Professional designed poster prez on my abstract
Test/Exam on Rec Admin Chapter 12
Paper due on an article I haven’t read yet
Technology portfolio due that is more work than an entire semester of itech
Group book project written
And not to forget my grad school research group prj due and our teacher told us on fri …sweet ass… I love a teacher that has you do all the research and the grunt work to get a program funded and accredited and puts his fucking name on it… real cool!

Once again…. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
And also... how come everyone wants to hang out now... where was everyone all semester when i had shit to do.... BAH!

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 20:39:13 GMT

So I haven’t written in here in awhile…

My usual thursday morning consisted of coffee making and leaving for class smelling like a ham sandwich... Thanks for coming up to the mill...i know this crazy girl who comes and visits me on every shift.. and she is gorgeous... and amazing and so f*ing talented... and she choses to spend her time wathcing me essentialy pour coffee for hours... i love it but you are crazy... and thank you for being so dedicated.

I’m sitting here at the library on my 3rd variation of a mocha Bianca of the day. And I have to say I am spoiled by the chocolate chunk cookies from the mill and our coffee served…. If I can give Lo Who anything it is the good food and drinks.

Finding a computer to use here today was like finding a parking spot at Wal-Mart the night before they announce a snow storm. I think I circled a good 12 times before anything opened up.

I’ve been putting off studying for this history test for a good two weeks. I am usually a fairly good student at least since college and I have to say right now I just don’t care…
I’m tired of studying and I want to be done in some aspects. I’d be happy if I got a D in history as long as I graduate.

My next 3 weeks or my week from hell every single senior cap stone project or final portfolio, research projects are due this should be interesting!

I was sitting and talking about summer jobs with my professor while staring more like dazing out the window… and I saw this beautiful girl walking down the side walk, with a camo hat and this busted 80’s NYC shirt. I was so captivated that I told my professor peace and walked out of his office just to smoke a cig w/this girl and talk to her for a second. Just to smell her breath hit the air in front of me, to feel her hair whip my cheek as the air rushed by…just to feel her because I cant go w/o…

Its crazy watching all of my peers scramble right now to get jobs, internships, sign contracts etc…. we all want to help each other out but really everyone is in it for themselves b/c everyone is competition to everyone… luckily we are in such a growth spurt in this field it shouldn’t be too hard! Life changing decisions are sometimes hard
that is for sure.

So on that note I am out…

i like this song

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 18:12:36 GMT

So this has no relation to anything but i really like this song!...A lot!!!

I know not everybody has got a body like me,
but i gotta think twice, before i give my heart away,
and i know all the games you play,
cuz i play them too,
oh but i need some time off from that emotion,
time to pick my heart up off the floor,
but that love comes down without devotion,
well it takes a strong man baby,
but i'm showin' you that door,
i gotta have faith

gotta have faith,
gotta have faith,
gotta have faith!

So this has no relation to anything but i really like this song!

baby, i know you're askin' me to stay,
say please please please don't go away cuz you're givin' me the blues,
baby, your mind made all the words you say,
can't help but think of yesterday and another who tied me down to the lover boy rules,
before this river becomes an ocean, before you pick my heart up off the floor,
well that love comes down without devotion,
well it takes a strong man baby,
but i'm showin' you that door,
i gotta have faith

gotta have faith,
gotta have faith,
gotta have faith!
get tha fuck up!!!

i gotta have faith,
i gotta have faith,
i gotta have faith,
i gotta have faith!
faith! ahhhh faith!! ahhhhh!!!!

Everyday

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 18:36:39 GMT

Every day is a struggle
Between what I want to say and what I want to keep to myself
And the words that manage to leave my lips
Don't hurt me, but they hurt everyone else

So I find myself in need of a pause
I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because
Of this desire to be what others want me to be
Which is nothing close to me

But I'll see better when the smoke clears
The smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
And all that remains me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens every day ... yeah...

Every day is a battle
Between what I want to know and what I don't want to figure out
And everything in between in these thoughts of mine that you know I can't live with out

So I find myself in need of a pause
I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because
Of this desire to be what others want me to be
Which is nothing close to me

But I'll see better when the smoke clears
The smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
All that remains me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens every day ... yeah... oooh...

But I'll see better when the smoke clears
The smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
All that remains me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens every day ... this happens every day
This happens every day... yeah...

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 00:49:28 GMT

I’m unreasonable at times
I’m illogical
I’m stubborn
When I think I’m about to get hurt I run I jump I will jump out of a plane without a parachute

I can be contradicting especially when I’m put on spot … at least until my thoughts are clear
Initially I yell I scream I get upset easily I throw things
I talk and talk and talk in circles until I’ve dug myself a grave

I’m like your dog… when your dog is hurt (usually b/c u left them for x amount of time)
When I get hurt when I get upset, I turn my back like your dog does and piss on your favorite chair or shoes. That’s just how I am I can’t help it… but I always come running back once you get pissed at me for pissing on you.

I don’t know how to express myself … I know this…unless it is through colors and shapes and sounds and sports

I don’t know how to show affection …there are many reasons for this.

I’m complicated as all hell… that I even confuse myself

I’m a power house and if I’m not busy all the time I’m not happy

I can be harsh … very harsh

I can be destructive to myself its how I deal

Winter makes me happy
Winter without snow or cold weather … the kind that hurts your lungs when you inhale makes me sad and cranky

i have faults

i'm just now learning how to trust

yeah and thats all i got for now

rambles to the general public

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 10:25:55 GMT

I am tired of walking around
Feeling like every lesbian has an invisible hard on
A dick that thinks for them
Maybe it is just an enlarged clitoris
From being rubbed out long and hard from the night before
I’m tired of lies stacked upon lies
Of tangled webs and circles
Of people in and out of people
Pressing their bodies against one another for meaningless pleasure
For something that once was
For any easy fuck
For every girl that passes on the street looking for this thing called love
and maybe they will be different from the last
but you know what its probably you
have you looked at yourself recently
have you tried to work on yourself
Or do you just run / jump / and take the path that’s already been taken over and over again and again
giving into temptations because it’s the easy way out
Giving into temptations…
Please … oh please tell me where these temptations are
Where are you seeing them
Is there a drug slipped into your drink that makes you see things
Because not once have I been tempted in the slightest
Not once has anything been a distraction to pull me from someone I love
To soil my twat in the filth of others filth / For the simple curiosity of a temptation
So please be free, go give into temptation join the party of the invisible hard-on’s
I wont be there …
I’m tired of meeting people that call lust love, that fall in just as fast as they fall out of love
I’m tired of meeting people so wrapped up over there past fucks and loves and lovers that they cant move forward chained down to this grave yard of memories /
I’m tired of people that jump back and forth like a broken circuit trapped in a glass house between past and present trying to mold it into some kind of future /
you can’t have it all /
do you even know what love is /
to yearn for it / to smell it on your fingers and your breath /
to crave the touch and smell and mind of someone else /
the simple things they do / the slightest way they tilt their head / or sip a drink /
the way they enter a room/ or unexpected pleasures of the day
or even wipe the shit off their own ass crack / do you know what love is /
to go into your bathroom and smell their body on your soap /
to smell their ripe pussy on your loofa as you run it over your body and water seeps through the pores into yours leaving an everlasting impression in your mind /

My favorite conversation line to be repeated to this day
“My wife and I don’t have sex”
“Then what do you have love”
“What do you have a good fuck”

is anyone not in it for the fuck
for the game of it all to play and be played…
go ahead place brick upon brick of webs and lies and circles and
hidden feelings … it all catches up to you eventually
go ahead and convince yourself of something because someone else mentions it
go ahead and be afraid when you don’t even know what you are afraid of
other than being hurt and left in a dark ally backed into a corner
go ahead jump right now give into temptation give into the path the one that’s been taken over and over again… it’s the easy way out …

RIGHT?… do you take the easy way out?

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 05:03:32 GMT

I cant sleep and I have to be up at 6 for work
Bah…

So I puked tonight
My diet has consisted of beans today
I almost not only got in a car wreck but almost caused several others and almost hit a pedestrian
I feel really weak right now
What do you do when your best friend has been lost and you really need them but they are the last person that can console you in a time of need… and you are not even there best friend do u even think they know how much they mean to you or meant to you

I need someone to sleep w/tonight I don’t want to be alone I would take anybody right now

I feel sick to my stomach

Some of the people I counted on being there for me and that I thought were my friends weren’t there as friends tonight

And some of the people that I didn’t think would be there tonight were

Its funny how life is like that

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 22:18:35 GMT

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see, lyricstop
And you'll realise that you love me.

Yeah...
Yeah...

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 04:04:49 GMT

You walk into a room
My stomach turns
You touch me
My body shakes
I smell you
It’s a poison

Girl you know I’m addicted to you
You are my drug of choice
You make everything disappear

Grab me…
Throw me down
Grab me by my reins
Take control of me
Because I’m out of control

I need to be quenched
I need you in me
I need to feel your hands run along my body
Be my drug

Cause I need to feel you up beside me
I need to feel you inside and out
I need you to dive in deep
I need you to look in my eyes

Look at me and tell me what you really think
What you really see
What you really are feeling
Go inside of me and tell me
Tell me how you really feel about me

Cause I need someone that is in love with me
I need someone to give myself to
And I need you
I need to feel you inside my veins

Quench me
I need you to quench me

...

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 16:01:55 GMT

I need someone that knows how to handle me
That isn’t afraid of themselves
That isn’t afraid of me
Because I cant even handle myself

I need someone that can help me w/the train wreck of the past I have had
I need someone who will never once lie to me
I need someone to be in love w/me…
I need you to be in love with me

They say if love hurts it does not work
However, I am so in love with you.
That it hurts

I need someone that can handle me
Maybe some people just aren’t meant to be tamed
Because I cant even handle myself

alright

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 15:34:22 GMT

Is it alright for me to feel this way
Put my head in your lap
The world will go away
Well well
We can go there… we can go anywhere
We can go there

But is it alright
Is it alright
Is it alright
To hold you through the night

Is it all right for you to feel this way
Put your head in my lap
The world will go away
We can go there
We can go anywhere

But is it alright
Is it all right
Is it all right
To hold you through the night

If anyone can find the full lyrics to this song Alright by Kinnie Star let me know
(I spent 30 min trying to find it this morning and kept getting re-directed to random crap, so google has either gone down hill or my search engine skills just suck these days)

a friend

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 14:56:58 GMT

Where is a best friend when you need one... i just need a best friend right now... someone that understands me, someone that isnt going to throw shit back in my face, or look at me with disbelief and annoyance, i just need someone right now....someone who can listen, someone who can talk things out with me, juggle ideas, shoot the shit, and not give me a blank stare back when i ask something when i say something... someone who really listens, and gives a fuck, someone just someone that actually gets me

cause i really miss you right now
as my best friend
i really miss you saying
hey i saw you from a mile away
and look what i found today
cause i read this book
that reminded me of you
and it was kinda like the reading rainbow
and maybe it was you
but hey i saw you from a mile away today
and i could see right through you like a ghost
see everything thats really going on with you
and look what i found today
it reminded me of you
You say...
I got the keys to my car
how about we drive to madagascar
we can be back intime
nobody will even know we were gone

thoughts on my mind

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 02:52:29 GMT

So I called my dad
I said I need some help
I got 2 bucks in the bank
And a bag full of change

He said good for you
It’s more then I ever had growing up

But I know I’ll be all right
At least for a little while
Because I worked last week
And I work tomorrow

I paid for gas with change from tips
And coffee in pennies and dimes

I’m out of smokes again
And I rather scrounge up some money for a few cigs
Then put gas in my car any day
I’m still polluting the environment either way
I might as well just walk
And smoke a few cigs

At least I wont become obese like international view of our society
Cause I got called fat in china when I weighed 110
Whose to say they are right…
Whose to say we are right
Who is really right about anything anyway?

Its amazing how smoking a cig can take away the pain from your eyes after crying for a few hours

A lot of things have lost their novelty in life
Its all a matter of time…

I miss my music
I miss practicing a few hours a day
I miss sports
I miss being a star athlete on a team
I miss a lot of things
So how can I fix that for my future?

I was a starving artist
That grew up in a family
Where money grew on trees
And a new one grew every day
Where the kids had a higher allowance
Than my teachers made teaching me annually

I’m trying to find an internship
My dad says so what
My dad says you want money
Here is a company do what you want with it…

But here is the thing…
I rather sit here with my guitar
And move to the city
And play on the streets
Eating hotdogs and ramen for a living
I can play two songs
And that’s all I need
Two songs
Two songs

But that doesn’t change a thing
Because here I am
There you are
And a company…
And 2 bucks in the bank
And a bag full of change

Speak only what you see of

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 19:00:07 GMT

I want to trust certain people but I do not…
I want to not be insecure with certain things but I am …
I want to not believe what others tell me but I cannot help and I listen…
I do not believe in rumors…but I also believe in “If you don’t see it with your own eyes… Then people shouldn’t be inventing it with their mouth”. Which brings me to the fact there is always some truth in a rumor; what is fabricated, what is not?
Everyone is up someone else’s ass, who can you really believe out there, who can you really trust, who is just trying to make themselves look good, or make somebody else look bad… who is just working on a motive for something they are trying to get?
I’ve seen things w/my own eyes, and I’ve sometimes repeated it to people I think I can trust… but when they doubt you… what the hell do you do, which brings me back again to…
“If you don’t see it with your own eyes…then you shouldn’t be inventing it with your mouth”
I want to not care, b/c I have no extra time or energy to waste on peoples wasted lives but I secretly do care…

I have been so defensive lately
When I do not even know what I am defending
Do not even know what I am fighting for
Because I am over this
I am over people
“I miss my old friends,
I miss my old face,
So fuck this time and place”

processing

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 04:18:44 GMT

My brain hurts from thinking all day
I sat and sketched until my finger tips were numb
On the frigid cobble stone sidewalks
Until I felt like I had no hands
I smoked a cig tonight
In a t-shirt and holy jeans I stood on the back porch
Feeling my throat swell from the inhalation
Body covered in chills
Bumps growing to capture air between hairs
Attempts to stay warm
You could smell the air on the brink of dawn
Waiting for daybreak to fall
To fall its birth into a quick death
The life of a snowflake
What a simple complexity
I slapped the layers of paint on the wall
It felt good
It’s hideous
Its ugly
Maybe because I feel hideous and ugly right now in my life
But it makes me feel good
To look at something so ugly
Because I only find ugly things beautiful
It makes me feel ok inside
And I’m going to stare at this hideous reflection
A reflection of my insides until I am ready
For the next step to move further into this process
Of creating, re-inventing, the rise and fall of my self
In discovering…in explaining, in understanding
The process of processing